Posted on January 19, 2009 - by Amanda

Making Birthday Traditions

This is the first in a series of posts on establishing your own family traditions. Traditions happen whether you mean them to or not, even if your only tradition is just not doing anything. One hears about everything from elaborate parties for infants and toddlers to hastily consumed stale cake in the presence of unhappy and tense relatives. Here are a few suggestions for establishing your own family traditions.

1. The Little Ones

Small children are sometimes the most fun. In the earliest years they may be oblivious to the fact that they are the center of attention while still being cute enough to stage their own floor show. Family and close friends are likely the only ones that will enjoy being invited to this type of party and we actually don’t recommend inviting many their own age. Little ones, like socialists, often have a hard time understanding the concept of “other people’s stuff” and this can introduce tension in an already keyed up way. Older relatives must be invited if they live anywhere near as they tend to idolize grandchildren and grand nieces/nephews. Beyond this, simplicity is key. Cake that the child can enjoy and the adults too, a short time span, a few practical gifts and lots of snuggles with Grandma and Grandpa. Games and ponies and activities will not likely be appreciated or remembered but the sweet, fun snapshots will. We strongly suggest placing as few demands on the child as possible. Don’t expect them to pose or recite their cute baby words or even understand that the presents are for them. They are likely bewildered but will be happy as long as they are not being ordered around every five seconds. Let the cute moments happen of themselves, don’t try to stage them.

2. Older Kids and Teens

As children grow up, birthday parties can become much more elaborate and tailored to their individual taste. In our family, on ones birthday, one could choose their favorite foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner and choose their favorite cake or other dessert. Strawberry shortcake was enjoyed on January 22nd, Apple Pie on May 20th, Chocolate Zucchini Cake on Sept 18th and Cinnamon Rolls on Sept 23rd. Once kids are old enough to have their own friends (around the middle of grade school or so) then it is time to branch out into real parties. The family should still have and enjoy their cake thing and it often works out to have one cake party for all the family birthdays in the month. But we do recommend planning something kid-specific and fun.

First consult with your child about who they might like to have over and then plan your party around this guest list. We still don’t recommend extravagance but some elaborate planning and a little money can pull off extraordinary results. Games can be anything from scavenger hunts (this works especially well if you know and prepare your neighbors for hordes of kids ringing their doorbell), to capture the flag at a local park or even fast-paced tournaments of the kids’ favorite card or board games. Avoid anything lengthy and quiet and be prepared to change gears if necessary. Enter zestfully into the action when your presence is required but don’t hover. Decorating cupcakes with icing and candies is sweet, fun, and eases your responsibility to provide a decorated cake. Young girls enjoy makeovers and young boys a trip to the shooting range (BB guns are probably best when ‘other people’s children’ are along). A treasure map with hidden clues and prizes is fun and short hikes and picnics entail lots of fun by their outdoor nature. With teens it is probably best to keep your expectations of “participation” lower. Avoid anything cutesy and absent yourself as much as possible. For eighteenth birthdays a “farewell to childhood” party is great fun. Organize kiddy games for the teens like “duck, duck, goose” and “pin the tail on the donkey” and go for gag gifts like stuffed animals and Legos.

While gift-giving is a touchy topic we do recommend having consensus among your child’s friends’ parents about what your customs will be. Some parents will eagerly buy and wrap gifts for whatever party they are going to while others will feel oppressed by such an obligation. If you are close to these people then a frank discussion should be possible but if not their are subtle ways to take the pressure off and defuse tension. Unwrapping the gifts privately after the party prevents making them the center of the action and causing comparisons. Your child should definitely send thank you notes, of course. If a parent calls and asks  you what your little angel would like for his birthday simply saying “oh she has so much and doesn’t really need anything more” or “she loves having a new book (or some other easy, inexpensive item)” can lower expectations and ease the burden on other parents.

3. Your Spouse

For parents simply having time alone can be the greatest gift of all. Freeing ones spouse to spend time with his friends on or around his birthday will likely be appreciated. Still his mother and father would likely enjoy a family event and a dinner out with other couples would be fun too. Really, with this one it very much depends on the desires of the specific couple involved. Favorite foods are a must, especially if they are ridiculously fattening and don’t come up on the regular menu very often. Private celebrations are recommended too, as is a good movie and a nice bottle of wine.

4. Other Adults

For most other adults in the family a simple family dinner with cake or a luncheon out will be more than adequate. Our own great-grandmother always looked forward to her birthday visit and the french fries we would bring. For any shut-in relative a longer-than-usual visit and a small gift will bless them tremendously.

5. Your Own Birthday

Now it seems that ones own birthday is the one most often forgotten and the one that comes with the highest expectations. Women tend to view themselves (rightly or wrongly) as sacrificial and always working for others. Then, when Mother’s Day or our birthday rolls around we expect repayment for our year’s service. On top of these expectations we often feel extremely shy about communicating what we want feeling that things mean less if they have to be asked for. It is high time we cut through these half-articulate and sometimes fully subconscious inner torments.

If you want your spouse to make plans for your birthday then please tell him. Explain what you would like and why and then sit back and enjoy whatever happens. It is always best to appreciate the effort more than the result and praise the intent rather than the outcome. You would never dare criticize the soggy toast your kids serve you for breakfast in bed and so don’t critique a miscue, a burned dinner, or a misunderstood request. Rejoice that people love you enough to try.

If, on the other hand, you want to, you can throw your own party. A bash for yourself may sound a little to egocentric but we promise that it is actually a lot of fun and can be very classy. The key is to keep the focus on the fun more than on you. Our sister threw herself a party one time and gave gifts to everyone that came; earrings for all your girlfriends and pocketknives for all the guys can work. A themed party with costumes or a dress-up party with an elegant twist can be very enjoyable. A “fifties” party for your 50th birthday can be great fun.

The Final Word

The key to all of these birthdays and to all of these ideas is to plan something that will be fun and memorable while not stressing out or spending too much. Try to remember from year to year what you have done for each child and what worked and what didn’t. Most traditions develop over time so don’t expect everything to “feel” traditional until you’ve been at it for awhile. Without the effort of planning and structuring them though, they will likely end up being fairly limited and even a bit dull. Your family’s memories are important and while peacefulness, love and gratitude are the most important elements of family celebration, planning and preparation can’t hurt either. And finally, hold these things loosely. Don’t pressure your family into making memories for you, put out the effort to help them make memories but don’t feel like you have to, or can, force it. Frazzled and order-barking hostesses don’t leave their guests with a good impression and, of course, your husband and children are your first guests.