Posted on January 15, 2009 - by Amanda
The Diamond Engagement Ring
We are well aware of two things. One, the position we are about to take has been taken before and two, that it is still extremely unpopular. We still think that it is worth arguing again.
In modern American culture it is customary for a gentleman to present his lady with a diamond ring when hie proposes marriage to her. This tradition is so deeply ingrained that even poor gentlemen feel extremely obligated to do so. The customary value of this ring is “two months salary” of the gentleman’s income. American women tend to feel a very strong need to have a diamond and to have one that is at least as large as all of their friends’ rings. If a gentleman were to offer a ring with another stone or not to offer a ring at all most women would feel extremely insulted and even the most understanding of women would still be uncomfortable and unsure. We will outline four reasons we believe that it is time to let go of, and in fact denounce, this custom and we will encourage women everywhere to take the lead in vocally disapproving of it.
1. This is a tradition grounded in a marketing campaign.
Much has been written about the evils of the De Beers company and their diabolical marketing campaign and diamond hoarding. A simple internet search will turn up a wealth of information about them and their strategies. It is irrelevant to us whether their boardroom is filled with maniacally scheming officers or if it is simpled filled with happy capitalists, what does and should matter to us is whether we are, or should be swayed by the advertisers. Medieval women used to accept rings from their lovers and many cultures have some form of a ring exchange however, diamonds did not become the “eternal symbol of love” until the 1940s . This means that when you expect a diamond ring costing between $1000 and tens of thousands of dollars you are buying into a marketing scheme and not an ancient tradition.
2. Diamonds are often traded at extreme risk to impoverished people.
You don’t have to like Leonardo DiCaprio to realize the “Blood Diamonds” do exist and the American demand for diamond engagement rings contributes to that dynamic. Free-market capitalism aside, buying into an artificial custom with potentially lethal consequences for others seems like a pretty good way to damage ones conscience. Also, diamonds themselves are incredibly common. Jewelry stones would fetch $5-$30 on the open industrial market. That is less than dinner out!!!
3. Men, kind men, unwillingly put themselves in debt to please a selfish, unthinking desire in the women they love.
When a couple gets engaged they take on enormous responsibilities to one another and most men, at least mentally, assume the responsibility for providing for their new family. Consumer debt is a huge problem in America and satisfying the American woman’s advertisement-created desire for ridiculously expensive shiny things simply adds to it.
4. Who can tell the difference?
“Real” diamonds are essentially indistinguishable from good Cubic Zirconium and are entirely indistinguishable from artificially created ones. In fact, even jewelers cannot identify the artificially manufactured diamonds and so they have to be traded with “Certificates of In-Authenticity” to keep the market falsely inflated for the “Real” ones.
So if it is important to you that your diamond come from Africa, have someone’s blood on its head, and have been imported by a powerful cartel, then by all means insist that your man buy into this custom. But, if you’re convinced that it is an extravagant, slightly foolish, custom then the responsibility rests with you to see that this is communicated to your soon-to-be-fiance. He will take some convincing because the idea that you must have a diamond ring is deeply ingrained and he will not want to risk upsetting you or hurting his chances of getting a “yes” to that important question. There are several strategies for getting the message across. If you are one of those couples that freely talks about becoming engaged before it happens then it will be very easy to make your wishes clear. It will be easy to explain exactly what you do want and why and since you are telling him, he should get the message loud and clear. If, on the other hand, you are more reticent about bringing up the topic (which we completely understand) then you will have to be more subtle. We suggest planting the doubt in his mind in casual conversation. Say something about how you think so-and-so’s diamond ring was a foolish extravagance. Mention the movie “Blood Diamond” and talk about how horrifying you found it. Or mention a friend who went “alternative” and how much you like her ring. Once the doubt is planted he ought to either ask you or go to your best friend, sister or mother to clarify. Make sure they are armed with a complete knowledge of your preferences and your reasons. And speaking of preferences, we have a few suggestions for you.
1. Go Fake.
Artificial diamonds are real diamonds. They were just made over, instead of under, the earth’s crust. Cubic Zirconium is even cheaper and just as beautiful in a nice cut.
2. Go for any other stone.
Rubies are beautiful. So are emeralds, sapphires and topazes. Opals are unique and lovely and jet or onyx are amazing.
3. Get artsy.
Maybe your man is capable of learning fine metal-working on his own but every art department at every university has a class on fine metals and dozens of art students with semester-end projects. Some turn out crazy, weird and ugly stuff but some turn out beautiful works that are genuinely one-of-a-kind. Your future fiance could talk to an art professor and ask if they could hold a design-and-create competition as part of the class to make the perfect engagement ring. He should offer a small cash prize to the winning design ($100-$300 sounds about right) The students would likely love to be a part of that romance and your ring will have a rich history. Etsy is also a good place to look.
4. Go permanent.
This might not work as well for the engagement ring as for the wedding ring but a ring tattoo can be lovely, unique and permanent. It is also especially nice for the guy’s wedding ring if he is very active or works with machinery (no danger of it getting caught). And this is one tattoo that no one ought to object to and it is even less expensive than the other options (around $50 – $100).
Finally, we cannot emphasize strongly enough how much you need to take responsibility for this decision. The man in your life will not be able to take this on himself because of how fraught the emotional territory is. Make your wishes crystal clear to him and we think he will be quite grateful for it.
23 Comments
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January 15, 2009
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AimeeE said:
I have a diamond engagement ring. And I like it. I could point out that I didn’t pick it out and had no idea I was getting engaged, but even if I had, I would have picked a white stone over color.
A note to the guys: if you want your lady to have a CZ, don’t tell her it’s because it’s cheaper. That certainly doesn’t make me want it.
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January 15, 2009
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Jon said:
Good article with some good alternative suggestions. My fiancee and I are aiming for a debt free wedding and the ring was definitely a part of that. =)
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January 15, 2009
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Julia said:
My mother's engagement ring was a star sapphire solitaire. It was one of the most beautiful rings I've ever seen. As for me, I didn't have an engagement ring in my first marriage because we were poor students at the time. This second time, I did opt for a diamond solitaire…but it was MY great-grandmother's engagement ring which I had inherited some years before.
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January 15, 2009
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Heidi said:
This is an awesome post, Mandi! I have thought about this before and been recently discussing it … I really hate the idea of needing a cripplingly expensive jewelry article. After all, isn't it the man you want to marry, not the ring?
The tattoo idea appeals to me; unfortunately, it might be harder to sell my family on it and I'm just not sure that the available colors and such (I hear they fade a bit, too?) would be right enough for a permanent accessory. On the other hand, I'm terrible with rings and never wear any … And I don't necessarily need their permission.
Thanks for such a thought-provoking article.
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January 15, 2009
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Laura said:
Well put. I told him there was no way he was going to spend that much money on a diamond ring. Sixteen years later we're doing very well and still no diamond ring in sight. The wedding band looks like enough.
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January 15, 2009
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Rhoni Renee said:
Very good post. I would give it a standing ovation but that might not go over well in the office.
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January 15, 2009
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Amanda said:
@Heidi My tattoo ring is purple and while they do fade, my tattoo artist offered free touch-ups for life and the original tattoo only cost $50. Kinda hard to beat that!
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January 15, 2009
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Jill said:
Diamonds have never interested me – just not my style, in addition to all the reasons you mentioned. But don’t forget that one can get certified conflict-free diamonds. For those who have their heart set on a diamond, their purchase doesn’t have to support the destruction of people and land and all that.
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January 15, 2009
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Heidi said:
Heh, pretty hard to beat. You'll have to show it to me sometime.
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January 15, 2009
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WordLily said:
I told my now-husband that I didn't want a diamond. He's artsy, and he had fun creating (along with the jeweler) something meaningful (and much less expensive!) for me. My engagement ring has a tsavorite garnet (green) in it, and I love it.
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January 15, 2009
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Jessica said:
Thank you! This is a very hot topic for me right now. I lean toward the CZ, myself, partly because something campy and enormous would not be outrageously expensive. To me an engagement ring is part of a costume, a symbol to others that you're getting married soon. I wouldn't want to wear one for my entire life – just a few months. And in that case, it might as well be silly.
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January 16, 2009
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ÜdoÜmami said:
Great ideas! Diamonds have only been used in the most recent decades as engagement rings… in Europe, Asia, and in olden times other stones were often used like rubies and emeralds. These other stones when used for engagement purposes hold different meanings and values historically and personally. Besides…. a diamond is forever- so why would you want a diamond engagement ring? You certainly don't want to be ENGAGED forever- the engagement is temporary. But you want to be MARRIED forever… so if you are dead set on a diamond- get one or a few on your wedding band. I say go for a colorful genuine gem stone for engagement and get some diamonds on your wedding day with a pave or anniversary band.
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January 16, 2009
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Anonymous said:
I heard that the bigger the diamond the more fake your love for each other is. Go figure.
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January 17, 2009
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Quinn said:
I love my Ruby. It is beautifully set in white gold with Celtic type knots from the side view. To me a diamond would mean less. He picked something unique that suited me perfectly. So much more thought then when you just want what everyone else has.
A friend of mine once said that she wanted a climbing harness for her engagement. She said that it was much more useful then a ring could ever be!
And Heidi thank you for saying it. It is the man you marry, and you can't judge how much he loves you by the size(or color. Who thought of that?) of the rock on you left hand. I would gladly go without any kind of a ring, so long as I still had him.
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January 17, 2009
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Kayla-la said:
Cheers to this post! I myself have had 3 different rings, starting with a super inexpensive (I think it actually turned my finger green) "proposal" ring, which was all the budget could support at the time. As we got closer to the wedding, I "graduated" to a simple CZ solitaire and plain gold band. Then, about 2 years after marriage, I received my current ring, a Moissanite solitare, with a matching "wrap" that places two smaller stones on each side. (As a side note, hubby has also "graduated" over time, to a band that he loves as well) I have adored ALL of my rings, and when I look back at them and try them on (especially that first one!), it reminds me of where we started and how far we have come. The best part is that the cost of ALL of our rings combined doesn't even cap $500.00. Not bad for 6 years of relationship. I told my sweetie from the beginning that it was important to me to have something that looked "right" on my finger, but I cared not where it came from, or the price tag that was attached. Plus, every new ring represented a new chapter in our lives.
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July 18, 2009
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Midsummer_Moon_22 said:
That is a beautiful story, and that is exactly the way it should be. Thank You for sharing.
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January 19, 2009
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Another Mom said:
When we were engaged, our church called it being, "Betrothed," and it was quite a serious thing. It was almost, but not quite as serious of a commitment as marriage. My husband picked out my ring, and it was much nicer than anything I would have ever picked. He sacrificed a great deal out of his food budget to buy it, while refusing to use credit, instead putting it on a sort of lay a way with the jewelers. They did not want to do it, but he convinced them it was the only way that he would buy it. All that before he even asked me to marry him; it never crossed his mind that I might have refused. The ring has been a symbol of his love and commitment to me. Yes, he is a forceful, determined, sacrificial, confident, wise, single-minded, and highly principled man who not only finds a way to do something, but also will pioneer to make a way where there was not a way. Of course, that was a long time ago. There aren't too many men like him.
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February 6, 2009
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Heidi said:
Got my engagement ring … sterling silver with citrine, garnet, and smokey quartz. It's absolutely terrific and I LOVE it!!
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August 11, 2009
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woudnevergivemtname said:
wow i might sound like a horrible woman, but please know that it came as a suprise to me too! i recently got engaged and i would of excepted a tin can twist off for a ring i loved him so much. but when he gave me a $200 ring, it somehow pained me! i would never complain or tell him i feel this way but deep inside i would love a bigger and more expensive ring.
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October 6, 2009
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Shamed said:
I have a beautiful, expensive, glimmering engagement ring. I saw a ring like it at a jewelers, and noticed similar rings in magazines and books all the time, and would point it out to my lover. I had no idea how much it would cost. My love proposed to me with a customized ring, like the ones I had been noticing…. I absolutely loved it, and yes, it was a surprise…. I was planing on telling him that same evening that I didn't care what kind of ring we got engaged with, but I couldn't tell him that after what I was presented with. We are now married, and I can only say this here, because I can be anonymous; I am embarassed of my ring. Yes, it is beautiful, and there was special thought into the design of it, and I DID, for a time, want a diamond ring… but now I feel terrible guilt for ever having pointed those rings out. It isn't this article that made me feel this way, it is a combination of my personal growth, a realization that I don't NEED to have THINGS, and the fact that we are having financial difficlties. I could never tell him any of this… it would break his heart. So I wear it everyday, and sometimes I turn it upside-down so I won't be so easily reminded of my shame.
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November 2, 2009
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Black Titanium Ring said:
Love the fact that someone is pointing out that it is okay not to have a "real" diamond and that there are other options that are just as classy.
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May 6, 2010
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tsavorite said:
Yea, I mean not everyone can afford a diamond ring. I think we have over-rated the diamond gemstone anyway. There are a lot of great alternatives and we should make our choices base on our own convictions and not be overly influenced by culture, tradition and marketing.
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June 7, 2010
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multi gemstone rings said:
What fine rings. Diamond is not the only gemstone, there are other great options. Great post.