Posted on February 25, 2009 - by Amanda
Small Children in Public Places
Children are not particularly popular in public settings. They are noisy, demanding, selfish, messy little creatures and most people would rather not deal with them. Especially if the children aren’t related to them. While this is very normal it is also completely wrong-headed.
The first thing to remember is that we have all been children. Once upon a time, we each imagined the universe was centered around us and we didn’t have volume control down yet and we were unprepared to deal with the violence of our emotions. Now we have perspective (hopefully) but every adult should remember that however difficult it is for us now to handle stressful situations we have a huge advantage over children struggling with the same thing. As adults we get irritable if we are awakened early/can’t have the last doughnut/have to wait in a long line. It is absurd to act like children who have not had our decades of practice in self-control to behave more wisely/generously/patiently then we do.
The second thing to remember is that you cannot see all. Many adults see a child flipping out in the grocery store or bouncing around in the restaurant and automatically assume that child is terrible and that it’s parent is stupid and/or lazy. But no matter how much of life you’ve seen, you don’t know what happened five days ago or what will happen five minutes from now. The parent may be a wise disciplinarian who is having an awful day. The child may normally be a sweet angel but just got out of a long car trip and cannot contain their stress. The child may have Aspergers or be from a broken or abusive home and incapable of understanding the ramifications of their behavior. The parents may be fully aware of the inadvisability of taking their small children to a fine-dining establishment but the child’s grandparents forced the issue or friends insisted that this be where they meet. You simply cannot know and so should not judge.
And finally, your bad attitude will do no one any good. If you are snippy, snide or sarcastic, you will piss off a defensive parent, hurt the child’s feelings, and aggravate your own self-righteousness and irritation. And then, everyone loses. Let it go. Repeat a mantra. Pray for the poor tired mom or dad. And remember that those kids will be paying into your Social Security Check.
For perspective on children in church services check out this article by Sister Mary Martha.
If you are a parent, here are a few things you can do to make children more popular.
First, don’t assume that they are. Not everyone wants to coo over the baby or hear about potty-training or see the pictures you have saved on your cell phone. Be willing to share but don’t force the little darlings on a reluctant audience. Children should not be forced to perform. They are not trained animals and the audience likely won’t care anyway.
Be sensitive to your child’s level of development. Small children should be restless. Time goes incredibly slowly for them an hour’s meal is a small eternity to them. Try to avoid situations that will stress them.
It is not easy to be an infant or a child. It seems that adults have collective amnesia about what childhood is actually like. We think our lives are hard because we have to work constantly and wish we could rest more but it is absurd to think that infancy is a cakewalk just because it is a free ride. The adult equivalent of infancy is to be a deaf-mute paraplegic. On your worst day you don’t want that. Childhood is not much easier than infancy especially when adults are dismissive of your questions, fears and dreams.
Parents have limited capacity to improve their children’s life and character but unlimited abiltiy to screw it up. Work at this parenting thing. Be intentional. Be kind. It is the most important thing you’re doing right now. Don’t mess it up.
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February 26, 2009
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Clare said:
Thanks so much for including Asperberger's in this post. My brother has Asperberger's and we've had some very awkward situations in public places and people's annoyed looks definitely don't help.
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March 2, 2009
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Lady Hatton said:
Yes, I echo that. My older son has AS and when he was younger and we were still learning to deal with it we had numerous "difficult moments". The other tip I would offer about any young children, AS or not, is to not try to finish "just one more errand". You have to learn to quit while you're ahead. In other words, try to end everything on a high note
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March 5, 2009
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aRe said:
Very interesting you mention all this. Reminds me of a good ol' post from my blog from my very own life! You will thoroughly enjoy reading this, I assure you: http://greencathedral.blogspot.com/2006/05/mac-an...
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March 10, 2009
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akpatchin said:
I don't know how much I enjoyed reading it, it just sounds so painful. It is so hard in those moments to do anything that makes us or anyone else feel any better about the situation.
I wrote this for two reasons. One: I was at mass on Ash Wednesday with a Catholic friend and Luc was very loud. No one was rude but I was afraid of it the whole time. Two: I used to be one of the perpetually annoyed until I started to realize that stillness and silence are absurd things to expect little people to be able to maintain for very long.
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October 5, 2009
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Bathroom Taps said:
This blog is brilliant, I really enjoyed reading your detailed explanation on this subject. I don't fully agree with it but its good to see so many people commenting on it.
I will link your page from mine.
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October 7, 2009
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Annom said:
You right, it's not easy being a child or parent.
When my child acts out in church or at any public setting, we go outside or to a private area to deal with the issue the child is having. Sitting and letting them make a scene is only teaching them it is okay to act out for attention. It also is teaching children it is fine to be inconsiderate of others. Ignoring them only makes the child desire your attention more. That teaches the child that misbehavior is okay since they are not being told otherwise. Sometimes kids act out, it's normal. It is our responsibility as their parents to teach them how to act in public. A two year old will not sit through a complete church service without a peep. It is wrong to expect that, but a teaching them that it is not appropriate behavior develops strong adults. You cannot expect strangers to tolerate your child because they are going through challenges. You have to teach your child to deal with their challenges when there are strangers around. Or take them out of the situation if it is not good for the child to deal with their challenges around others. Sometimes it offends people without kids, but there are times where a grocery store is the perfect place to let the child see how others react to their misbehavior. There is always a line.
My problem with parents today is that they wear out very easily. I don't mean to offend. After hours of trying to accomplish things and kids bringing every dandelion in the yard, "washing" the dog in the master bathroom, and begging for an iphone while you have all ready told them "when your grades improve". Going to the store with the kids is can be the tip of the iceburg before a nervous breakdown. The general public has no way of knowing (or caring) what your day has been like. Your kids expect you to never break down, and they will push all limits. They must know how to behave in public. They wont know unless you pull that last string before you kill over, and teach them. I'll never know how my mother did it, she was a single mom of four who home schooled on top of supporting us all the way through without assistance from my father. She always said if you teach them when they are young and cute to behave, they will do it without realizing it when they are older. I do not believe this is too "old fashioned" for our day.
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November 9, 2009
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Guest said:
Yikes, children, my ovaries contract just at hearing their wails in every public place I am in at one time or another. Wanting & having children should be avioded like the plague (for real!)
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November 19, 2009
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Shower Baths said:
Well well stated. Brilliant writing! I trust we'll be hearing more? I would be really interested in hearing more about Small Childern. Amanda Keep Posting up good work .. !!!