The first thing to remember is that we have all been children. Once upon a time, we each imagined the universe was centered around us and we didn’t have volume control down yet and we were unprepared to deal with the violence of our emotions. Now we have perspective (hopefully) but every adult should remember that however difficult it is for us now to handle stressful situations we have a huge advantage over children struggling with the same thing. As adults we get irritable if we are awakened early/can’t have the last doughnut/have to wait in a long line. It is absurd to act like children who have not had our decades of practice in self-control to behave more wisely/generously/patiently then we do.

The second thing to remember is that you cannot see all. Many adults see a child flipping out in the grocery store or bouncing around in the restaurant and automatically assume that child is terrible and that it’s parent is stupid and/or lazy. But no matter how much of life you’ve seen, you don’t know what happened five days ago or what will happen five minutes from now. The parent may be a wise disciplinarian who is having an awful day. The child may normally be a sweet angel but just got out of a long car trip and cannot contain their stress.  The child may have Aspergers or be from a broken or abusive home and incapable of understanding the ramifications of their behavior. The parents may be fully aware of the inadvisability of taking their small children to a fine-dining establishment but the child’s grandparents forced the issue or friends insisted that this be where they meet. You simply cannot know and so should not judge.

And finally, your bad attitude will do no one any good. If you are snippy, snide or sarcastic, you will piss off a defensive parent, hurt the child’s feelings, and aggravate your own self-righteousness and irritation. And then, everyone loses. Let it go. Repeat a mantra. Pray for the poor tired mom or dad. And remember that those kids will be paying into your Social Security Check.

For perspective on children in church services check out this article by Sister Mary Martha.

If you are a parent, here are a few things you can do to make children more popular.

First, don’t assume that they are. Not everyone wants to coo over the baby or hear about potty-training or see the pictures you have saved on your cell phone. Be willing to share but don’t force the little darlings on a reluctant audience. Children should not be forced to perform. They are not trained animals and the audience likely won’t care anyway.

Be sensitive to your child’s level of development. Small children should be restless. Time goes incredibly slowly for them an hour’s meal is a small eternity to them. Try to avoid situations that will stress them.

It is not easy to be an infant or a child. It seems that adults have collective amnesia about what childhood is actually like. We think our lives are hard because we have to work constantly and wish we could rest more but it is absurd to think that infancy is a cakewalk just because it is a free ride. The adult equivalent of infancy is to be a deaf-mute paraplegic. On your worst day you don’t want that. Childhood is not much easier than infancy especially when adults are dismissive of your questions, fears and dreams.

Parents have limited capacity to improve their children’s life and character but unlimited abiltiy to screw it up. Work at this parenting thing. Be intentional. Be kind. It is the most important thing you’re doing right now. Don’t mess it up.

Unfortunately for the poor, beheaded Saint, Valentine’s Day comes with a lot of greedy, over-inflated expectations. Wives and girlfriends think that their men should know exactly what to do and when. They want chocolate, diamonds, and flowers and romantic and unexpected gestures.

But tell me, is it really fair to expect something unexpected?

Get rid of these unreasonable ideas.

No other person can be expected to know exactly what you want or to want exactly the same things you do. No one can be expected to surprise you in just exactly the way you want to be surprised! So if your man shows up with a bottle of wine and some cheese don’t be disappointed that he is not recreating your first date. If he recreates your first date don’t be upset that he forgot something. If you want to be “surprised” and he brings roses do not be upset that he didn’t remember that lilies are your favorite flower!!!

Men are legitimately annoyed by such behavior.

Make your hopes and dreams CLEAR.

We really recommend not being to picky or wanting much. But if you do really do want something the worst thing you can do is pretend  you don’t and then punish your spouse or boyfriend for not “getting it.” That’s just mean! No one, and especially no man, can read your mind. It just ain’t happening and you should let go of whatever psychological trauma it was that convinced you that that could and/or should happen.

If you do want something specific, just ask. Say: “I would really like to have flowers delivered to me with a nice note”. Or say: “I really, really want to go out to dinner to a nice restaurant”. But don’t ever, ever say “I don’t want anything” when we both know that you do want something.

Do something nice.

Of course the nicest thing to do is be nice to someone else. Plan a relaxed and inexpensive evening in with a nice shoulder-rub for your tired spouse. Plan a cold-weather picnic with hot cider and warm meatball subs. Make something new and fun together like Risotto or sushi or fondue. Buy your sweetheart a copy of your favorite childhood book and read it together and talk about when you were children. Just be as thoughtful as you imagine he shoud be; trying to do something he would really enjoy and not just something you think he OUGHT to enjoy.

Appropriate Behavior for Religious Services

You’ve chosen proper attire for visiting a house of worship – now to behave in such a manner that will keep you from heaping shame upon you, your family, your friends and anyone even remotely connected to you.

Buddhism

The leader may be called Rinpoche, Lama, Venerable, Reverend, or His Holiness – depending upon the denomination.  If you are unsure, use Venerable. If you are visiting a temple where they do not speak English, there may be a temple secretary with whom you may speak. Before entering the temple remove your shoes and hats. Once inside the temple, be aware of your body language: when sitting, do not point your feet at a cleric or the Buddhist shrine; when standing, do not turn your back to them. Never place items with Buddhist images on the floor.

Christianity

Since Christianity is a catch-all for denominations that center-around Christ’s resurrection – religious services vary widely, even within the same denomination. The leader may be called Father, Reverend, or Pastor, depending upon the denomination. Most churches provide a bulletin – containing brief or detailed information pertaining to the service. Some denominations consider it disrespectful to speak during the service; therefore the entire service is in writing – readings, hymn numbers, when to stand, when to kneel.

In most cases, all are encouraged to attend and participate in worship activities, from songs to prayers. However, some denominations restrict communion to baptized Christians or members of the church. This is often announced before the elements are distributed.

Often Christian services will include a time of greeting. The best advice I can give you is this: do not panic! Simply turn to those around you, smile, and offer your hand. If attending a Catholic mass, when the priest says “peace be with you” you respond with “and with you” – then it’s “peace be with you” all around. However, if you happen to lose all words at this critical juncture, a smile and handshake will do.

Hinduism

The leader may be called Priest, Pandit, or Pujari depending on the denomination.  Traditional address for clergy is Swamiji. If you cannot speak with the leader due to a language barrier, a temple president may be available. Before entering the main sanctuary remove your shoes. Once seated within the sanctuary, be aware of body language: your feet should never point toward the shrine. The traditional Hindu greeting is “Namaste” – which means “I bow to you” – it is said with palms together at chest, and a slight bow.

Islam

An Imam is the one who leads prayers and may speak on behalf of the congregation. When visiting a mosque, the most important thing to remember is this: modesty applies to more than just your attire. Do not be the first to greet someone of the opposite sex. Most prayer halls are separated by sex: make certain you enter through the women’s entrance – and remove your shoes before doing so. Do not walk in front of someone in prayer, as it is considered impolite. As for the traditional greeting: “Salaam Alaykum” (Peace be upon you); and in response, “Wa Alaykum Salaam” (And upon you Peace).

Judaism

A Rabbi leads worship services. The synagogue may be called a temple (Reform) or shul (Orthodox); in most shuls, women sit in a separate section. The most sacred feature of synagogue is the ark – the cabinet where the Torah resides. Never enter or leave the main sanctuary while the ark is open.

Final thoughts

Obviously, this is a very broad overview; but where we leave off, common sense should pick up. Turn off your cell phone or set it to vibrate. If at all possible, do not enter or leave in the midst of the worship service. Kids do and say the darnedest things. If you have them with you, sit near an exit – just in case you need to make a quick getaway. And if you just aren’t sure how to behave, the best modus operandi is to simply watch those around you.

Above all, remember this: you are a visitor in this house of worship. Even if you do not agree with the teachings, remain respectful. Even if you don’t necessarily know what you’re doing, be sincere. Even if respect and sincerity is all you have to offer, you’ll more than likely be welcome.

Once again, we welcome comments from readers who practice these religions.

The key word here is “social”.

The world of relationships has in some ways seems to have been completely changed by the advent of social media. But really, the more things change, the more they stay the same. On Facebook, on MySpace, on Twitter, on FriendFeed, on yours and others blogs, we are all still people, still bound by the rules of polite social behavior. We function in a community online as much as, or more than, in our offline lives. Like in the medieval village where everyone could see and hear everyone else’s business, we can see and hear the way we all behave. Rather than pushing us apart, social media is drawing us into ever closer community. We know where each other is, we know what each other is saying. There are fewer completely private moments in our lives and while some may be annoyed by this loss of autonomy, we think that the net result is healthy.

“Big Brother” is not necessarily watching you but your brother, you best friend, your professor, and your clients are. And that is a good thing for your character. If you lose your temper with your waitress at a restaurant only strangers and God know about it. If you blog about the moment then all your friends, family, business associates and God know about it and then you will be held accountable by the community for your actions and attitudes. If you treat your ex poorly, if you badmouth your aunt, if you curse your boss, it will get around much faster and much more powerfully online than in the “real” world. Your aunt’s feelings will be hurt, your boss may fire you and your ex may start spilling the beans about you too.

So rather than decry your loss of privacy (you signed up for these social media sites after all) we recommend welcoming the opportunity to learn more gracious behavior. Don’t air dirty laundry, don’t act like a fool and remember that you have to take responsibility for everything you do online and off. Anonymity is not healthy or really very possible (you are more traceable than you think). Say what you think but be prepared to defend it both intellectually and relationally. This is good both for mental discipline and character development.

A few tips:

- Be disciplined in your time usage. This should be a no-brainer. Don’t sit on the couch all day watching soap operas and don’t spend all day online creating your own. Use social media to enhance your life, not replace it. You may have four new followers on Twitter, but the dishes still need to be done.

- Never, never, never break off a relationship by changing your Facebook relationship status. That is like announcing it in the middle of a very large dinner party.

- Don’t leave anonymous comments on blogs. You wouldn’t go to a cocktail party with a paper bag over your head.

- Don’t use language you wouldn’t use in a face-to-face conversation. Online is essentially face-to-face too.

- Be as courteous to someone you are debating online as you would be to your best friend’s sister, daughter, or husband. They just might be…

- Watch your grammar and spelling but don’t attack others intelligence on that basis. Correcting someone publicly is a huge faux pas!

Arguing With Class

Within our close relationships, we are often faced with challenges that test our patience and communication skills. The measure of a classy, mature woman however, is how she handles those challenges. It’s natural to get frustrated or angry, and most certainly there are times when you must voice your opinion strongly. But while there are many ways to get your point across, there are several things you should definitely not do in a disagreement:

1. Whine. It’s annoying and distracts from your message.

2. Badger. It’s not always fair or realistic to expect resolution immediately. Sometimes you need to make your point and back off. Let it sink in for awhile. Give a person space.

3. Use passive-aggressive tactics. Pretending you’re fine when you’re really not is disrespectful and immature – not to mention highly inefficient. If you’re upset but haven’t quite figured out how to deal with the situation, SAY so: “I’m upset right now but I need to get my thoughts together. Give me some time and then we’ll talk.” This shows the person that you respect them enough to keep them in the loop while still being true to your feelings.

4. Employ the silent treatment. This behavior is unacceptable past the age of 15. See #3 above.

5. Use “never” or “always”. These words escalate the argument unnecessarily and are usually false.

Arguing with class is about treating others with respect. Be honest, be open, and really listen to the other side of the argument. Be aware of yourself and your surroundings, too: modulate your voice, keep your cool, and don’t argue about personal issues in front of others. Don’t ever be too proud to apologize. And finally, try to keep a positive frame of mind. If you approach your disagreements with a conciliatory attitude – with the desire to resolve things fairly and quickly — you will be much more likely to get that outcome.

Appropriate Dress for Religious Services

Nothing strikes fear to the heart quite like the thought of visiting an unfamiliar place of worship. After all, who wants to stand out as the one who doesn’t belong? The first step in avoiding such a scenario is to know how to dress. While we haven’t the space to cover all dress codes, the following guidelines should get you well on your way.

Buddhism

Dress modestly – a dress or skirt that falls below the knee is preferred, though a pantsuit is typically acceptable. Avoid shorts and sleeveless tops.

Christianity

Christianity is a catch-all for denominations that center-around Christ, His death, and resurrection as the sole means of salvation. Since it runs the gauntlet – from Catholic to Pentecostal – dress codes run much the same. While more and more churches of today are allowing more casual attire, others cling to extreme modesty. For instance, very traditional Catholic, Orthodox or Fundamentalist churches expect women to wear dresses or skirts that fall below the knee. Some even require a head covering in the form of a veil or a hat. Other congregations will be comfortable with shorts and tank tops however one will never be out of place in modest, sleeved attire.

Hinduism

Many temples accept casual dress, though shorts, short skirts, and sleeveless blouses are looked down upon. However, some temples do require women to wear saris, the traditional Indian dress.

Islam

Women who enter a mosque must wear loose clothing that covers the entire body – only hands and face may remain visible – and does not adhere to their shape. Clothing must be made of a non-transparent material, and one that does not include a bold design. Women must also wear a head covering. Some mosques may offer scarves for visitors to borrow.

Judaism

In Orthodox synagogues, women are not allowed to wear pants. Also, married women must keep their head and arms covered. Many synagogues keep scarves on hand to lend to visitors. And while Reform sects do not adhere to a specific dress code, modesty remains appreciated.

Final thoughts

Some church names may offer a clue on appropriate dress: for instance, Orthodox or Fundamentalist churches tend to be more traditional – which translates to more modest; Reform churches, on the other hand, typically indicate a more modern approach.

If you’re not sure – and you don’t want to wing it – ask the friend who extended the invitation, or visit or phone the establishment prior to your visit to inquire about proper dress.

Above all, remember this: be it a temple or a converted warehouse, a place of worship is holy ground. Even if the denomination you plan to attend promises to accept you as you are, have a little respect. This is not the time or the place to showcase your panty-bling, sparkly though it may be. Think business casual and in most cases, you’ll be fine.

We at The Complete Woman do not even pretend to be experts on all world religions and we welcome comments from our readers who may have more experience with a particular house of worship.

Coming next week: Appropriate Behavior for Religious Services

If modern American men tend to be weak and selfish then modern American women tend to be strong and selfish.  As a whole we tend to act like the world is supposed to be at our feet and get indignant when it gets up and walks away.  We tend to be content with our weaknesses, wearing them as badges of honor, and we are terribly impractical.  The average American wedding costs close to $30,000, many women get a $30 manicure weekly and color their hair every month or two and somehow we seem to think of all of these things as a birthright, not as luxuries.  We drink $4 coffee, eat $3 muffins and have $40 a month gym memberships. Whatever our particular indulgences are, we each justify them in our own minds as necessities.  We at The Complete Woman say that enough is enough. The economy isn’t doing great right now and we think that we women need to get our attitudes in order before the economy does it for us.

Weddings

The American bridal industry continual tells women that their wedding day is “their day” in the sense that everything that happens begins and ends with them.  This means that women everywhere behave in an atrocious manner to their mothers, their sisters and their best friends in the time around their weddings.  Somehow we have given ourselves a free pass to be completely and totally selfish and petty for months on end.  This must stop now.  We need to call ourselves and each other on this nonsensical behavior.  A wedding is a big party and the point of a party is to celebrate with other people, not to pretend that you were born the daughter of a wealthy Medieval lord (who probably would have married you off to some scrofulous old goat anyway).  It is never your place to control, manipulate or boss other people. Ever. Especially not at a party. Knock it off now.

Mommy Wars

Some women work at a job. Some women work inside their homes. Some women have kids. Some women have none. Some women breastfeed and some formula feed. Some feed their children organic food and others feed them Oreos. And then we fight about these choices like they are life and death issues. We should just be grateful that we live in such a lovely period in history where we have options. The vast majority of women alive today and essentially every other women from the beginning of time has had to work non-stop from before sunrise to long after dark just to keep her children and herself fed. It’s time to be grateful for the blessings of our modern way of life and grateful for the options we have about how, when, where and how much to work and eat. Stop judging and stop criticizing. Do it now.

Fashion

There is a multi-billion dollar industry out ther dedicated to convincing you to buy more stuff. Especially clothes. Clothes that it will then tell you six months later are completely worthless and need to be thrown out. The vast majority of advertising is manipulation designed to make you feel worthless if you don’t buy what they tell you to buy. Unplug from this nonsense and set reasonable limits for yourself. Find a few things that are classic and simple and wear them all the time. Don’t shop unless you need to replace a completely worn out item. Buy the highest quality you can afford and take good care of it. No one needs more than ten or so sets of clothing. No one really needs more than two but even within the framework of our society ten should do it and you probably already have most of that now. So stop wasting money. If you really want to shop and you really can afford it then go shop for someone who can’t and give them the clothes.

That is all for now but that is probably enough.

Not all women are naturally outdoorsy. Not all women have grown up camping out with Dad and brothers. Still, many of us will have that opportunity at some point, especially if you’re interested in the kind of guy who enjoys those things. Here is a list of tips for being a good guest on your first camping trip.

1. Get over your appearance.

No matter how much you fuss with your hair, no matter how hard you try, you simply will not look like you normally do after your morning shower/hair/makeup routine. This is OK. If you’re camping out with people we hope you know them well enough that they already appreciate your wonderful personality more than your appearance.

Naturally you will want to look the best you can but without being fussy or fretful. We generally advise going entirely without makeup. It is unnecessary and will be impossible to maintain under primitive conditions. At the maximum please do not wear more than a little mascara (non-waterproof!) and touch of lipgloss or chapstick. Waterproof mascara is hard to remove and will streak and make you look like a raccoon quite readily. Non-waterproof is less durable and therefore easiest to remove while away from the rest of your beauty routine.

If your hair is long enough a braid or ponytail is best. This keeps your hair out of the way and as clean as possible. Carry a small brush or a large comb for maintenance. If your hair is too short for a braid then we suggest a hat to cover it with. Either a cute and fitted baseball cap or a soft canvas hat. Also carry a set of nail clippers as you will almost invariably have a hangnail (sort of a Murphy’s Law of camping).

For personal hygiene we recommend a small package of wipes and a small ziploc for disposing of the used ones. A washcloth is also an excellent choice for more serious grime. We often pack a well-wetted cloth flat in a quart ziploc bag. If you are near a water source (lake or stream) you will not need to pre-wet it but you will need the ziploc for packing the wet cloth away.

2. Packing essentials.

Pack a small flashlight. Your host likely has one already but you will want your own for late night calls of nature.

A pocket knife can do just about everything so we recommend having one but even more strongly we recommend carrying a P-38 can opener. You should probably carry one at all times anyway (we have found this little tool to be amazingly useful and often in demand in the most mundane circumstances) but especially on a camping trip. It is an oft forgotten necessity.

Plenty of dry socks, clean t-shirts and clean underthings are light and easy to pack. Don’t take extra shoes or many pairs of jeans but a clean t-shirt will make you feel put together even if your pants are a mess. We also suggest a pair of zip-off pants for all types of weather.

A small tube of lotion will ease your time in the wild. Dry skin comes with exposure to the elements and a bit of lotion will make you much more comfortable.

Even though your host has likely covered the food thing from all angles we still think that packing a snack or two would be wise. Sometimes emergencies occur and of course the more self-sufficient you are the better but it is also nice to be able to contribute something to the common meals. The more unique the food-item the better. Jerky has likely been covered as has candy, but a box of wheat thins is always surprisingly popular. Breath mints are a nice touch too.

Definitely have your own small roll of toilet paper as you won’t want to have to ask every time you need some. A biodegradable variety is ideal though most any will do. You will have to squat. It is somewhat uncomfortable and takes a little technique but half the battle is just being comfortable enough to try. Concealment and a slight slope away from you shoes is ideal. Bury the evidence!

3. Get adventuresome.

You may not really like climbing, find swimming in cold mountain lakes chilly, not thrilling, want to stay in camp and read rather than hike, but you are out there to explore and have fun, not recreate your living room in the wilderness. If you’re wakeful at night from the hard ground, enjoy the chance to look at the stars. If you get scraped up laugh about your war wounds. If the bats swoop down at you try to stifle the rising scream, and failing that just laugh at yourself about it. In fact, whatever the iffy situation is, laughter is your best bet.

4. Leave the attitude at home.

New experiences are what sets the women apart from the girls and how you handle the stresses of them will speak volumes about your character. The more patient and good-humored you are the higher you will rise in everyone’s estimation. Don’t ask “are we there yet” as you hike in, don’t whine “I have to sleep where” as the tent is set up, just go with the flow. At the very worst you will end up with a great story to tell your less adventurous girlfriends over coffee.

This is a guest post from Ms Amy Bruggeman

The art of thank you writing

Gifts, hospitality, random acts of kindness – they all deserve a written thank you.  Though etiquette allows for two weeks to a month, we recommend writing sooner rather than later.  If you’re anything like us, let one day slip and twenty slip with it.

But I’m not a writer, you say.  Great!  Then thank you notes are just the thing for you – they’re short and sweet and basically write themselves.  All you need is a few basic writing materials, maybe a guideline or two, and you’re on your way …

What you need

Blank note cards, wee stationery, or even post cards are perfect for jotting a note of thanks.  Yes, you will be writing longhand, so you must have a writing utensil of one sort or another.  We recommend investing in at least one good pen, such as a fountain or rollerball.  Again, etiquette demands black or dark blue ink; we say ink of any color goes as long as it’s a dark.  Ink tones of neon, pastel, or a primary color are not only spastic they’re hard on the eyes.  No matter how they call your name, just say no.

What you write

Before we delve into what to write, a bit on what not to write – mainly, a thank you is not about you.  This is not the platform to whine about your boss from hell, or lament the fact that more people did not partake in the gift-giving tradition.  Focus on the gift and the giver.  And here’s how it’s done:

Greeting: Seriously, we should not even have to mention this, but, alas … do not forget to greet the recipient.  At the very least write his/her name; preferably add a traditional salutation, such as dear or dearest so-and-so.

Gratitude: Thank you for such-and-such.  The first line.  Every time.  If the gift was money, write a general “Thank you for your generosity,” if you were invited to the recipient’s home, “Thank you for your hospitality.” See, it’s so easy!

The initial thank you leads right into a sentence or two regarding why it was so appreciated.  But, you say, my great-aunt Millicent gives me a pair of old lady panties, two sizes too large, each year for Christmas.  Do I have to lie and tell her I love them?  Thankfully, there is no lying in thank yous.  When the gesture is not exactly your cup of tea, appreciate the thought rather than the gift itself.

Grace: Can you say thank you too much?  No, no you cannot.  So say it again.

Close: Finally, the words with which to close.  The most popular include fondly, love, or with love for friends and family; sincerely, kind regards, or best regards for others.  Take your pick then sign your name.

Envelope: Envelopes should be written longhand, in the same ink as the note – this is not the time to showcase your label making prowess.  If you used a square shaped card or wax seal, don’t forget the extra postage.   Then you have only to drop your note in the post.  And chances are you will survive the experience with very little lasting trauma.

So the next time someone shows you kindness, set aside a few moments to show it was appreciated.  Play your favorite music, light candles, pour yourself a cup of tea, a mug of coffee, or a glass of red wine and write a thank you or two.  But do be careful.  There may come a day when the perfect card makes you giddy; when you sit in rapt anticipation, fountain pen in one hand, personal wax seal in the other, just waiting for an excuse to write a thank you…

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First when you are faced with a simple decision (like what to order for lunch or which brand to buy) make it swiftly. Don’t stop, don’t think too much, just take the first choice. Worst case scenario, you don’t care for the chicken strips and you’ll remember to try the soup & salad next time. Pretty soon you will realize that the options that have been overwhelming you are not life and death matters. They are petty little details hardly worth the time spent choosing between them. It is just lunch not surgery.

Next get playful. Deliberately try something you think you won’t like. At this stage keep to inexpensive, consumable decisions. Watch the movie that doesn’t interest you, try the weird specialty drink at the coffeehouse, let the chef cook your steak medium-rare. This is called living. It is venturing into new territory, sampling, tasting and trying. It is broadening your horizons. As you try new things, as you practice decision making you’ll get better at it. Choices will come faster, dilemmas will be less scary, alternatives will be appealing instead of paralyzing.

Finally apply your new found freedom to something a little more serious. Buy the red paint and apply it liberally to the kitchen wall, accept the invitation to join your friend on a road trip, on a whim and go for that extra-short haircut.